Emotional Aftershocks

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As I’ve noted, I’m not a huge fan of looking in the rearview.  Serves no purpose, gives me a bitch of a stiff neck, and completely distracts me from enjoying the present and thinking hopefully about the future.

Sometimes, though, things don’t live in the rearview, and if you’re not careful, they will sneak up and overtake you.  So what’s a girl to do?  I don’t know, but it happened to me this week and thus I have a few thoughts that I want to share.

This was my first Father’s Day without a real-live dad.  It was also my mom’s birthday.  I also needed to be in Chicago for work.  So I did what felt right at the time and decided to go early, on Saturday, so I could have some fun with college friends before work started and so I could distract myself.

Right.  I had fun, but more “fun” than fun.  I couldn’t shake the low-level feeling of sadness, mainly because it was palpable.  Loss sometimes has a weight, and it can be seen in the stooping of my shoulders and the drooping of the corners of my mouth…

I woke up Sunday morning and the tears just came.  I let them flow, took a deep breath, showered, and decided to muscle through.  I called my mom and tried to put a smile in my voice as I wished her happy birthday in one sentence and acknowledged the sharp pain of missing Dad in the next.  All in all it was a hard day.  

And now it’s over.

Life goes on.

So not that there weren’t moments of sadness over dad or guilt over running away and “abandoning” my mom on a day that was doubly hard for here, but it’s done now.  And here I am at the airport, waiting for my flight, and anxious to get back home and face my life and my house and my mom and my family and my girlfriend and my still-green pool.

I’m not sure I’m in the clear and that there still won’t be reverberations from the Father’s Day tremors…but I’ll try to keep the past in the rearview so that I can be present in my todays and preserve hope for the future.

We’ll always have hope, and we’ll always have love.

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Contradiction? Conflict? Hypocrisy? Or Just Plain Life?

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As I continue to push forward in 2015, as I find myself exercising less and weighing a little more, I’m setting myself up for positive change. I’m not excusing myself for making excuses, nor am I beating myself up over a holiday extravaganza of bad choices.

With the constant influx of messages that promise not just improvement but twice the results in half the time, I’m sitting here and shaking my head. Even when you know what you want and how to get it, it still sometimes is hard to know quite where to start, and how to start. That’s the position I’m in right now.

And then it hit me, that I need to practice this concept that just hit me:

ACTIVE UNWASTING.

To understand active unwasting, you must first acknowledge the presence and extent of its opposite—passive wasting—in your life. Even the busiest of us, I suspect, are guilty of it. Passing time idly on a smartphone, iPad, or some other gadget. Watching mindless television. Subconsciously throwing precious minutes out the window. When challenged, you might deny that you do it. Defend your position staunchly, stammering about down time or unwinding. Fair enough.

But some of that time you passively and subconsciously fritter away can and and should be harnessed for better. Which brings me to where I am, and how I’ll be taking my first steps toward improvement—by actively unwasting a few chunks of time every day and consciously devoting that time to finishing some incomplete something. Be it laundry, a reminder I’ve been snoozing for days, or a card I’ve been meaning to put in the mail. Something. Anything. A positive action in place of a neutral bit of inaction.

Think about it, and start actively unwasting your time right now, freeing you up to do the things that really matter.

Go!

And be happy.

Square One or A Knock At The Door?

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Sometimes, it is really hard to tell.

Today is one of those days…my beloved gym of 16 months, the gym that helped me discover my inner ninja and develop muscles for the first time in my 46.92 years, closed today.

I’m really sad. I’m bummed for the hard-working guy/awesome trainer who busted his balls trying to build a good business. I’m bummed for myself, because I am completely flummoxed about what I will do to keep progressing with my strength training. It’s helped me physically and mentally. Has helped my confidence and made me a stronger runner. It gave me a place to be strong and mentally tough and occasionally have a laugh.

So what does thus mean? Am I back to Square One or am I presented with an opportunity? A little of both, I suppose, but in this case my attitude isn’t the only determining factor.

But it serves to remind me that I have a choice about how I look at it, how I respond, and what I do next. Do I like that my gym is closed? No. But what comes next is up to me. I need to do something and I need to start. Now.